Lagos driving tips
Driving in Lagos is not for the weak-willed. We feel it's important that newcomers read the following article before venturing forth.


Driving Tips by Anonymous

Lagos is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in Nigeria in which to drive. Who would argue? For those of you who think that driving in London or NY is stressful, herewith, for newcomers and visitors, are a few basic rules of the road for driving in Las Gidi:

First of all, know the battalion to which you belong. There is an unending and vicious road war in Lagos. In the first battalion, are motorcyclists popularly called Okada. They have a pact with suicide avoid them at all costs.

In the second battalion are commercial bus drivers. Their buses are known by various names including - Danfo, Molue (literally means "I go beat you", Bolekaja (means "Come down, make we fight), Kabu-kabu, etc. As these names imply, they are not the smartest species on the face of the planet. Avoid them. What a bitter experience? I don want to cry again. I almost did that day!

In the third battalion are the "guys of the siren": escort riders, Bullion vans, trailers, etc. They have immunity against death. Besides, they get a medal for every scratch, and a certificate of bravery for every bash. No need to tell you to stay clear of them. The Men in black even with empty bullion, I don have empty threat! Be guided.

In the fourth battalion are private guys like me. All we have at our disposal are big talk and empty threats - we have no rights. Sometimes we employ what is called "Ogboju"(bravado) to get by. Due to frustration of being home late or at work. We are a pound in flesh in getting our ways in traffic too. what a mess!!No gentlemen again in Lag?

Further rules:

1. When in doubt, accelerate.
2. Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of the steering wheel.
3. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise
4. Taxicabs sho uld always have the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide.
5. Get used to "Okada" riders saying things like: "Commot that scrap for road", "Mr. I go drive myself". It is normal, and we just ignore them. These days okadas are heavy duty machine too 'cos they carry multiple passengers. Husband and wife. I believe They don t complaint of overload as long as the woman is in the middle.
6. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
7. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest u may say!
8. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. I got one man fishing in one of the potholes, that tells u how deep it is.
9. There is no such thing as "one-way"in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times.
10. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
11. There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that 'short-cut'.
12. It is traditional in Lagos to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant their bumpers are not touching the next car.
13. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians claim to know every inch of the city - even areas they've never been.
14. Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.
15. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.
16. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.
17. Hazard lights (popularly called "double pointer" is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bonafide Lagos driver, he's headed 'straight' and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his "horn".
18. At any given time T, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic that you look like a zebra.
19. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
20. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
21. In Lag every spot is potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA knows that too. I dey in their constitution.
21. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire.

Good luck-you'll need it!

to autos

Blimey! That's a really funny post, laughing my head off!

LMAO


U funny oh, Chai

Sitting here alone, I am laughing out so loud! Damn, damn funny. But all these are true! Oh! My good old Lagos!

very true tho funny

no 11 is very very very real.

;d

that was a grin, ure so rite, all ur points make sense

ROTFLMAO .

You did not include the wrath of LAstma and CO. I fell victim to them and i was their xmas goat. They took away 13k from me. For taking one way.

Emperoh:

ROTFLMAO .

You did not include the wrath of LAstma and CO. I fell victim to them and i was their xmas goat. They took away 13k from me. For taking one way.

Aint you lucky to have escaped with paying just N13k? The new rule is that people who commit similar offence would be tried on the spot and jailed for some days (cant remember how many days now, 20 or 30 days) and acquire the status of an ex-convict after serving their terms.

veeeerrrrrryyyyyyy funny. still laughing my head off. but it's the blunt truth though.

Used to think i was the only one scared of these danfo drivers. I've always suggested a danfo driver is a potential lunatic until i discover otherwise.

Need to forward this to my peeps. gonna help a great deal.

Eko for show oooooo!!!!!!!

its funny but dats the truth about driving in lag

in short, all of you that managed to go to driving school, errything you were taught na just formality. what a pity!

Dis lagos wey we dey so na wa own! Stylee stylee(DJ Jimmy Jatt) Ewa ti eko
This summer i was in Lagos and i had my driving lessons as well. To drive in Lagos you have to be aggressive and fearless of other road users. I had my first driving lesson at VGC and it was very nice,till i went to the major road. My first week in Lagos my younger had a crash and i had to cough out €300-  to settle the mishap.

To me driving in Lagos is spiritual and deserves God's hands in bringing you to your destination. I had crashes and lost both side mirrors. When ever you are driving in Lagos always have enough money for unseen breakdowns. Getting gas during the summer strike was hell and very expensive, I could not believe my eyes when i started contending with Lagosians but i had to pay the price. I drove the third mainland bridge and had many more long distances.

There where lots of deadly crashes and people attributed it to the devil's works cos Xmas was at the corner, The hold ups are mind and business killing. could you believe i started taking bikes jus to beat hold ups while i had a car, @ 2009 i will b back to rock the Naija road again to the core.D

Mennnnnnnnnn this thread is really funny

If you can drive and compete successfully with Danfo drivers in Lagos, then you can compete with the most craziest driver anywhere in the world.

As you leave home in the morning just pray hard so that you wont treck back home in the night cos the fear of Danfos, Police Vans and Okadas in Lagos is the beginning and end of Driving skills in Naija.

But come to think of it the Danfo Drivers are really skillful oooooooo.
You need to see some of them drive during traffic in Lag, you will be surprised at how they will beat traffic.(But plsss dont join them, cos its you LASTMA will catch)

Pleaseeeeee I still dey laugh ooooo, my head,

ahhhh am i the only one who doesnt see anythn funny here

Hmmmmmmm, my man u sabi lagos no be small. You must have been driving for decades. thanks for the compilation but please add the aspect of "wetin you carry" at unexpected spots, adding to the hold-up and adding to the stress and accidents, as vehicles bump into one another.

the idea of jailing drivers caught for " one way" smacks of hypocrisy. the greatest law breakers are those who made the laws in the first place. Imagine being arrested for a one way offence in an area like yaba where readable road signs barely exist! its really pissing me off. craZy ****

onyx79:

the idea of jailing drivers caught for " one way" smacks of hypocrisy. the greatest law breakers are those who made the laws in the first place. Imagine being arrested for a one way offence in an area like yaba where readable road signs barely exist! its really pissing me off. craZy ****

Onyx79, i guess we have to start somewhere. It may be painful sending people to jail on such "little offences" but when we consider the havoc it causes, we may have to agree with them. For instance, a driver knocked down a pedestrian while taking "one way" the pedestrian just looked at his side of the road, not knowing that a bus was taking one way. Also , you will discover that most hold ups in Lagos are caused by people taking one way. They do it with abandon recklessness and they even block the on-coming vehicles.

So my brother, let the discipline start from somewhere. It will be improved upon and developed later.

aloib:

ahhhh am i the only one who doesnt see anythn funny here

are you in lagos?

LMAO poster you could not have got it better.

when my anty comes to lagos from abuja and i drive her around, it annoys me when all she says is "rora o, eassyy,easy with all this mad pple."

in lagos, you have to be ccccrraaazzyyy to drive

I almost missed my WAEC paper due to lagos traffic, ended up trekking, as the road was flooded and okada's were just throwing pips into the water!

@poster, great post

however, learning to beat the average danfo drivers along wt the regular bumper to bumper driving in lagos traffic will sharpen your driving resolve & you'll never be scared again.
Only thing that derives me crazy in lagos traffic is the noise, but still prefer that to driving in ibadan.

what is wrong with Ibadan?

good observation,
i served(NYSC) in jos,before i went for service,i've lived in lagos all my life till my sevice year. i drove in jos,it was sooooooooooooooooooo easy. can you belive when i got back to lagos i looked like a bushman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okada riders should be banned for life!!!!!!!!!!!!!they compete with pedestian for all available spaces,they may even start climbing the pedestrian overhead bridge soon.All my siblings from UK would never agree to drive when they come to naija for holiday,i thot they were pretending until i went to Jos and came back!
I stood at ojota one day and looked all around,i decided, LAGOS IS A HOUSE OF MADNESSSSSSSSSSSS!

no 13 is very true

Dis is so funny. Most of them i can relate to.

nice one

LOL,

Driving in Lagos could be fun.Na leg for break oh.Danfo drivers my worst enemies.

@Poster; na real Lagos drivin 101 but i go Still prefer joinin d bus! "cant beat dat _{no owa le eni oo or ko ja ko ja} if u know wat i mean

fastin and prayer

He he he! Halirious, but sadly true.

@ poster,you are a good writer,i bet you are a jornalist,you just put me in the picture of what it used be while i use to hustle in lagos as cabu-cabu driver,it was crazy but it kept me and my guys going,we use to take turn doing it,with the car breaking down almost everyday,it turned  us practically to  mechanics,which is good because now i can fix minor problem in my car without spending hard earn pounds
Driving in lagos according to legendary FELA KUTi is confusion,(For ojuelegba,moto dey come from east,moto dey come from west,moto dey come from south,moto dey come from north and police man no dey for center,na confusion be that ooooo)
One thing you forgot to mention police checkpoints and harrasment,which is another pain in the ass.